Asking Eric: Stepdaughter suddenly turns on stepmother

Dear Eric My husband and I met three years ago and of late celebrated our second wedding anniversary My grown stepdaughter seemed to like me during the first year after I moved into her dad s house But she soon changed from being a nice fun absorbing person to being moody and filled with mean comments toward me Her dad was as unhappy as I was with this change but he did warn me ahead of time that she had been on her best behavior and it wouldn t last When she was she didn t speak to her mom for months and has a history of being different After several issues arose from her visits her dad spoke to her but he didn t make it clear that we were both affected by her moody and negative behavior She has declared that she no longer feels welcome to visit our home despite the fact that I have made it clear that she is I feel like I was thrown under the bus by her dad s decision not to explain that her behavior bothered both of us I don t understand why her dad won t call her to let her know that it wasn t just me who was affected by her moody behavior She has in recent months sought therapy and seems to be making better choices for herself but she opted out of a conversation she requested to have with the three of us present I love and care about her but she is emotionally unavailable toward me Any ideas what I can say to her dad to get him to have an open discussion with her so that she understands that this isn t about me picking on her Not the Wicked Stepmother Dear Stepmother Not sure whether your husband was understating when he notified you his daughter was on her best behavior or giving you an accurate forecast But it sounds like this is an on-going perhaps lifelong challenge of push-and-pull with her one that he s largely powerless against So consider that from his perspective it may not matter what he says to his daughter specifically I understand the importance of clarity here you re trying to avoid a narrative that paints you as the antagonist But from your telling your stepdaughter had made up her mind about you before your husband spoke to her The mean comments and complicated visits indicate she s already cast you as the villain so I wonder how effective an open discussion would really be Instead try talking to your husband about how you can both tackle this moodiness and antisocial behavior How can you advocacy him and how can he promotion you and how can both of you together set boundaries for yourselves that are loving but protect your emotions This is still relatively new territory for you being two years into the marriage so give yourself and the situation time recognizing that the bulk of this is not really about you or anything you did Dear Eric When we moved to our new home we realized we had a great view of our town s Fourth of July fireworks Last year we invited a diverse group for a barbecue and fireworks viewing One of the guests a relatively new acquaintance thought it was too hot to stay outside all evening coming outside just for the fireworks This left my husband outside grilling and entertaining the others while I stayed inside with one guest Related Articles Asking Eric Mother still paying rent for child s ex Asking Eric Girls trip with mother-in-law ends in resentment Asking Eric Friend s daughter s bad manners ruin social group Asking Eric Parents refuse to return from vacation for hospitalized son Asking Eric Ex-husband turned children against ex-wife I do not want to do this again I d like to enjoy all our guests I know this guest will expect an invitation again How do I let her know she necessities to join the party if she wants to come for the fireworks Due to the traffic situation in our small town the road in closes about p m on July Fourth so it s not feasible for her to arrive just before the fireworks Outside Only Dear Outside As the host you get to define where the party is and how the party works Which means that this year you can tell your guests in advance that the party is only going to be outside this year Easier cleanup privacy etc Or you can let her entertain herself inside should she choose to go in This second option might seem a little silly who wants an acquaintance wandering through their home or sitting idly on the couch But this too can be a form of hospitality She wants to be at the gathering but she wants to stay cool She certainly had no issue deciding to go inside and make herself confident So if you d rather be with the rest of your guests consider releasing yourself from the expectation that you have to create a secondary event inside for her Paying the bill for the AC is hospitable enough Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com